Hillary Scholten Job Posting - Straight White Men Need Not Apply
I would like a job too......
If you’re a man, you know that March Madness just ended. Fortunately, since women have no clue what that is, (just ask Dylan Mulvaney) they were not distracted when Hillary Scholten’s office posted a job opening for the position of senior communications director. Now if men can tear themselves away from the Bud Lights, they will see that the job posting says straight white males need-not-apply. "We strongly encourage women (and all individuals who do not identify as male), people of color, LGBTQIA+ individuals, people with disabilities, veterans, and members of other underrepresented communities to apply."
In case you are interested in this position or in any other positions with similar requirements, this article will help you increase your chances of landing that job.
Every year, the top 64 teams in college basketball are chosen to play in a tournament to crown the champions of college basketball. To pick the teams, experts get together and rank them into four sets of 1-16. To help you assess your chances of joining the Scholten team as senior communications director, in the spirit of March Madness, it is first necessary to understand the ranking system.
Right about now you might be thinking, “how can I assess my chances without knowing the background of the other candidates?” That is a good question with a simple answer. Your experience and credentials are not the determining factor. Your physical characteristics are much more important. The Wheel of Power guides all important decisions.
Candidates are assessed and ranked based on their position on the Wheel of Power. In other words, they are assessed based on their victim hierarchy. If you are on the bottom of the Wheel of Power ranking system; white, cis-gendered, heterosexual, able-bodied, post-secondary educated man….. don’t despair, there is hope for you.
In the victim hierarchy, those on top are the outside ring. For this exercise they are awarded 3 points. Middle ring traits will be awarded 2 points, followed by 0 points for inner ring characteristics. Therefore, transgender, 3 points, (outer ring) ranks above gay, 2 points, (middle ring). Female, 2 points, (middle ring) ranks above, or is more victimized, than someone with slim body size, 0 points, (inner ring). But, there is also intersectionality to consider, because a person can hold multiple identities such as white, average body size, and significantly disabled all at the same time.
To demonstrate how this works, if you are a male, undocumented, dark skin candidate that also suffers from a disability, you are awarded 8 points and will rises up the ranks above a rich, female, lesbian who will only be awarded 5 points. A female, undocumented, dark skin, disabled candidate would score higher, 10 points, but an immigrant who happens to be bi-sexual, obese, poor, and dark skinned will be higher still, 12 points. The most qualified candidate to be Hillary Scholten’s senior communications director will be the one with the highest number of points.
Now, if you aren’t high up on the victim hierarchy or do not possess enough intersectional points, fear not. There is still a chance for you as the underdog to pull an upset. But, if you happen to be a straight white male, you are going to have to come up with a superior game plan. You may have to practice identifying as non-binary. You could attempt to identify as trans, but you must be prepared to go the extra mile by taking a few rounds of hormone therapy. Try not to worry about the permanent physical affects you may experience. Packing on a few pounds, could also be helpful. If you are white, you might think there is not chance for you go gain points in the skin-tone category, but this is not the case. You can implement the Dolezal technique. This proven technique has been used to turn a white woman into someone that identifies as black. Of course, to get that dream job you will have to identify as a leftist as well. You just absolutely cannot identify as patriotic, Christian, or pro-America. If this all feels daunting, don’t despair. At the rate the government is growing, it will have to pull from the lower ranks to fill the positions. 87,000 tax collectors are not going to hire themselves.
The success of this new system of choosing candidates can be seen in the current presidential administration. Karine Jean-Pierre White House Press Secretary scores high on The Power Wheel as a black, lesbian female. Kamala Harris scores high too being a female minority, but there are others in the Biden Administration that score much higher. Biden’s Assistant Secretary of Health and Human Services Dr. Rachel Levine, a biological man, has successfully navigated the Wheel of Power. Top Energy Official Sam Brinton is a final example. His story comes with some baggage – ok, luggage – but he broke the glass ceiling of the non-binary, cross-dressing, pup-fetishist with resounding success.
We must end with a message of caution through example. If you happen to hold rank on the Power Wheel, be careful not to use your victim status to promote or protect liberty, use common sense, or take action to preserve the Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, or Right to Bear Arms. These activities will likely result in termination or cancellation. John Gibbs and Larry Elder serve as shining examples. While they have some victim status as black males, they also have credentials and job experience. They have used their experience to restore and amplify the principles of American exceptionalism, but not without blow back. They too need not apply. The left identifies them as white, or as the “black face of white supremacy”.
Good luck on your job search and future endeavors. We truly hope this lesson on the Wheel of Power will help you live your dreams.